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Most of us reading this news yesterday thought it as an Onion parody but as it turns out, a school district in Pennsylvania has responded to the rash of school shootings by …wait for it …handing out miniature wooden baseball bats to all 500 of its teachers.

School District Superintendent William Hall said the bats “could be used as a tool against an active shooter just like any other item in the immediate room,” adding that they will remain locked in the classroom and “are only to be used/available in a hard lockdown situation.”

Well, we all feel safer now don’t we?